Friday, January 15, 2010

Thoughts . . . and it's a long post!

Today I went to the bank to pay our mortgage.  Every month when I walk in there I always ask if they're hiring - I ask this because I have banking experience and because they're closed on weekends.  I know that sounds weird but I'm not flexible enough to work the weekends.  Every time I ask they're never hiring, everytime but today.  Today they're hiring a loan officer - a full time loan officer.  The teller discloses the hours to me and I instantly start doing the math and start thinking up what time I'd have to drop Noah off at childcare.  And then it hits me, I'd go literally from spending just about every moment of the day with Noah to missing him about 50 hours a week.  50 hours - 50 hours is a long time to be away from Noah.  And although Nicholas is a bit older and he could walk to and from school on his own, I'd be away from him too for the same length of time.  I don't know if I am ready for something like that.  But on the drive home from the bank I kept calculating how much it would help financially, (and yes I'm doing all this and I haven't even applied - much less get an interview.  You see what a planner I am!).  Working outside of the home and being a mom is such a give and take and I'm so scared to give away these precious times that I'll never get back with Noah.  And this is all coming from a stressed out overwhelmed mom who, in this past week, has felt like a break away from all this would be so nice.  I feel this way even now as I type this, I feel this way because currently Noah is at a stage where he is so clingy to me.  He wants to sit on my lap in the mornings when I'm having my coffee, sit next to me at dinner, sit on my lap during relaxing time when we're all watching television.  He's hugging me when I jump on the computer, he walks around hollering for where I am in the house - when he finds me he says, " I wuv you mommy, where you at? I calling you."  And yes it is so super sweet that my son adores me this much, that he wants to love on me ALL THE TIME!  But naturally I feel overwhelmed.  I mean, I can't even go to the restroom without him knocking on the door and asking if I'm coming out now.  Oh but please, don't get me wrong because I'm blessed, I know that I am so truly blessed for all that he is to me.  And I also know that one day he won't want to hug so much, much less sit next to me at dinner.  Maybe I just need a night out, a movie night with Jay.  And I just thought to share this picture of us taken last weekend . . . isn't it appropriate for my post.

And right now I'm just feeling so purpose - less.  And surely that isn't even a word.  But that completely describes how I'm feeling these days.  I know I am a mother to, two wonderful, energetic, and healthy boys and I couldn't be happier to have the role as their mother.  And yet sometimes when I'm driving around town doing "mom errands" I see these woman driving as well - all dressed up, all doed up going somewhere because, in my mind their off to a paying purpose.  And sometimes I think that all my concern over purpose and whatnot stems from helping Jay on the financial front.  I don't know.  Because at the same time this is also the girl that did all those calculations in her head regarding how long Noah would be in childcare and away from me if I applied for the banking position (which by the way, one should know I, so, dislike banking!).  I keep thinking in my head . . . I want a job that revolves around my need to still be here for Noah during these precious times.  And I say need loosely because to me and to my heart it feels like a need.

It's nice to release these thoughts from my head, because seriously if I tried to express it to Jay I'd probably become so extremely frustrated I'd just cry. 

Okay, well thank goodness for Jay being home tomorrow and Sunday.  And I look forward to church on Sunday and the Charger game.  I always look forward to going to Oceanside for church and to see my family.  All my cares and concerns literally are washed away by the faces of family and being in church.

Have a good weekend.  I'm sure I'll be stopping in during this long weekend.

1 comment:

  1. hello-
    thanks for the sweet comment on my blog...i understand where you are coming from as a SAHM too...there are days that i miss the office, the coffees, the walk alone to my car after a long day, but i love being at home with the girls...hang in there!

    stop by again...and i will try to share any tips i have on my 365 project...tomorrow i am posting week 2!