An Essay

Wanted to put this on my blog. It's an excerpt from a book called Cold Tangerines that I'm looking forward to receiving. It's long, but really worth the read.

“On Waiting”
by Shauna Niequist

I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids. For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin.

And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin.

I love movies about “The Big Moment” — the game or the performance or the wedding day or the record deal, the stories that split time with that key event, and everything is reframed, before it and after it, because it has changed everything. I have always wanted this movie-worthy event, something that will change everything and grab me out of this waiting game into the whirlwind in front of me. I cry and cry at these movies, because I am still waiting for my own big moment. I had visions of life as an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced, but all I was doing was going to work and coming home, and that wasn’t what it looked like in the movies.

John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” For me, life is what was happening while I was busy waiting for my big moment. I was ready for it and believed that the rest of my life would fade into the background, and that my big moment would carry me through life like a lifeboat. The Big Moment, unfortunately, is an urban myth. Some people have them, in a sense, when they win the Heisman or become the next American Idol. But even that football player or that singer is living a life made up of more than that one moment. Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearls. And strung together, built upon one another, lined up through the days and the years, they make a life, a person. It takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments are so small, and so much less fabulous and dramatic than the movies.

But this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that movie-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets. This pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of us will ever experience.

I believe that this way of living, this focus on the present, the daily, the tangible, this intense concentration not on the news headlines but on the flowers growing in your own garden, the children growing in your own home, this way of living has the potential to open up the heavens, to yield a glittering handful of diamonds where a second ago there was coal. This way of living and noticing and building and crafting can crack through the movie sets and soundtracks that keep us waiting for our own life stories to begin, and set us free to observe the lives we have been creating all along without even realizing it.

I don’t want to wait anymore. I choose to believe that there is nothing more sacred or profound than this day. I choose to believe that there may be a thousand big moments embedded in this day, waiting to be discovered like tiny shards of gold. The big moments are the daily, tiny moments of courage and forgiveness and hope that we grab on to and extend to one another. That’s the drama of life, swirling all around us, and generally I don’t even see it, because I’m too busy waiting to become whatever it is I think I am about to become. The big moments are in every hour, every conversation, every meal, every meeting.

The Heisman Trophy winner knows this. He knows that his big moment was not when they gave him the trophy. It was the thousand times he went to practice instead of going back to bed. It was the miles run on rainy days, the healthy meals when a burger sounded like heaven. That big moment represented and rested on a foundation of moments that had come before it.

I believe that if we cultivate a true attention, a deep ability to see what has been there all along, we will find worlds within us and between us, dreams and stories and memories spilling over. The nuances and shades and secrets and intimations of love and friendship and marriage and parenting are action-packed and multicolored, if you know where to look.

Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you. The scene unfolding right outside your window is worth more than the most beautiful painting, and the crackers and peanut butter that you’re having for lunch on the coffee table are as profound, in their own way, as the Last Supper. This is it. This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. But pull off the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted.

Your life, right now, today, is exploding with energy and power and detail and dimension, better than the best movie you have ever seen. You and your family and your friends and your house and your dinner table and your garage have all the makings of a life of epic proportions, a story for the ages. Because they all are. Every life is.

You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.

You are more than dust and bones.

You are spirit and power and image of God.

And you have been given Today.

what a week! hope everyone had a very nice mother's day! i did! sadly i have no photos of that day - i brought my camera, but i was too busy enjoying the family gathering that i forgot to snap pictures. actually i did get this one picture of noah. here he is eating a popsicle that poly bought for him. don't ya just want to squeeze him!

last week i was down in the dumps, i guess i'm entitled to feel that way once in awhile. i suppose i was bored with the monotony of my everyday routine . . . how quickly my attitude changed when i heard of an old classmate who has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. i was so sad to hear about that and my thoughts and prayers will continue to be with him. i felt also bad for allowing myself to forget how blessed i am to have these sweet wonderful days with my boys - i am lucky to be home with them, routine or not. i really can't complain!

for the rest of the week we just enjoyed eachother's company; we hung out in the backyard, went out for ice cream, watched nicholas' baseball game, played with squirt guns. it was nice and it really did remind me of how truly blessed i am.

here are nicholas &noah playin' in the backyard! look at noah's boots!

noah just chillin' on a monday afternoon! it's his new thing to strip down to his pampers! :)

me & noah on our way out to "wal-mart" he loves wal-mart!

look at how big he's getting! my 10 year old handsome boy! he won't ever smile for me & my camera :(

playin' with squirt guns! look how much fun $1 from the dollar spot at target can bring!

and last, but certainly not least, how we've been spending most of our saturday's. watching nicholas play baseball. i love this picture of him - i'm soooo proud of him!

starbucks, my dad, and my 2 crazy boys!

i got a starbucks today . . . been awhile since i had one of those frap. thing(ies). they're so expensive and so fattening, so i've just stayed away. but today i was out & about & i decided "why not? i've got $3 bucks, what the heck!" as i walked to my car sipping the yummy frap. i smiled and thought of my dad and the first time he tried starbucks. he was already diagnosed and we stopped at a starbucks in s.d before his dr.'s appt. we ordered my dad one of these coffee fraps. and he sipped it down to the bottom like a little boy trying sugar for the first time. the thought and vision of him just made me smile, warmed my heart, and reminded me of how much i miss having him in my life.

i have to brag that i'm mastering making "red rice." i made it for dinner tonight while jay was out grilling the ribs i marniated yesterday afternoon. i also made a delish bean sprout and cucumber salad. it was a FULLfilling dinner.

nicholas & noah drove us nuts today. noah's talking so much, today he said "mom, phone ringing" and he's so cute the way he asks for things. for instance - napkin me, means can i have a napkin; belly me, means rub my belly; juju means, orange juice; he pronounces apple as happle. gosh there's so much i want to write so i won't forget. i'll need to jot them down as he goes along talking. oh and he can answer this question, "noah, who's the president?" noah's response, "Obama!" and if you ask him where does Obama live he'll say, "white house!" he's just too cute for words.

nicholas is getting so big, it's almost hard to believe. i'm anxious for summer to begin so we can just relish in the lazy days of summer. he's countin' the days too. he just brought home his progress report and he's headed toward making the principle's honor roll! yay nicholas!!! hopefully he continues the hard work the few weeks he has left of school. he's done so well this entire year, making the honor roll every trimester. we're so proud of him!!!

okay so that's a wrap - off to chill. laters gaters:)

5 THINGS . . .

can you believe it's may already . . . it's just about mid year, i can hardly believe that. gees, how time flies. it's the beginning of a new month and i love beginnings . . . so i'm going to try this new list techniques . . . here it is.

i am a list maker by nature, and i always have a running list of things to do. however, i am easily and frequently distracted and discouraged by a long list. therefore i have decided to make a daily list of 5 things to complete. this will serve as encouraging as 5 things are pretty manageable. so this is today's list . . .

1. laundry, wash, fold, put away & repeat until done!
2. Clean bathroom vanity
3. order (5 at min.) pictures for frames
4. Begin closet organization
5. Clean floors & vacume carpet

off to complete my list of 5! happy friday. sorry no pictures to share for this post!

Spring Break 2010

Already thinking of next year's spring break . . . Nicholas' school organizes a 5th grade trip to Wa. DC & New York for 5 days during their spring break vacation. I just went to the meeting about it last night and I'm super, super excited. It really sounds like an experience of a lifetime. I'm in the process of organizing a family/friends fundraiser and really hoping, and praying that we can start out strong with our fundraisers!!! My first fundraiser is going to be a garage sale - that way all proceeds will go directly to funding Nicholas' trip. Exciting stuff . . .

Not much happening around here - just hanging out. So for now I'll share this really cute picture of Noah that I took over the weekend . . .

Happy Thursday!!!
I love his hair! It's really fitting to his otherwise explorative nature!

A quick post with photos!

As I promised, photos of the two boys coloring their Easter Eggs! Took me awhile, but we've been a bit busy! Noah had such a good time dunking the eggs into the colored water - Nicholas, on the other hand, was less enthusiastic about it this year, ( surely it has something to do with the fact that we had a discussion about the Easter Bunny & Santa). It was sad to have that talk with him, but it really needed to be discussed; it makes me feel like he's no longer my little Nicholas boy; he's growing way too fast for me to take in.

And I just thought I'd share some photos of what a typical weekday afternoon is like here at our house. Homework (thank goodness Nicholas is still very studious - even though he dislikes school ALOT) and then there's Noah who waits around for BoBo to be done with homework so he can play hide & seek! Check out how he hides, he thinks if he covers his face no one can see him. Cute stuff I tell ya!

This is what bedtime is like too - the two of them together. On crazy days, this has to be my favorite time of day! Don't they look like brothers! I love this photo of the two of them!!!

nicholas

2 posts in one day . . . wow! but i just wanted to share that nicholas had his 10 year old check-up today and he is good and healthy. need to implement more calcium in his diet - hard to do when he dislikes most dairy products. hmm. anyhoo - he's right on target with his weight, and above average in height. he's in the 60 percentile. that's good news. and even better news, no shots. good for him.

i can hardly belive he's 10, and i guess that's kinda considered preteen. i don't really like the sound of that. we've been making some changes around here now that he's getting older. changes that signify that he's not that little boy anymore . . .and frankl it makes me rather sad. there's more to this little post, and i'll share later. for now here's a picture of him at his appt. today. taken from my cell phone, and he was kinda on the nervous side. he really dislikes dr.'s visits - who does right???

easter sunday recap

so the knitting is going well. it took me about a week to figure it all out and be able to get into the groove of it - but now i'm finding it rather enjoying and relaxing. i do look forward to stealing a few minutes here and there to knit!

easter was so much fun. we hosted our traditional potlock lunch here in temecula and it was so nice to have everyone come our way. the weather was a blessing, especially since it looked as if it was going to rain on saturday. the 3 youngest had fun hunting for eggs and the older/ teenagerish ones participated in a easter scavenger hunt. afterwards the family gathered for a game of softball. SO FUN! watching the aunties catch, bat, pitch, and some even base running was plain old good times and good fun! when the weather chilled we went up to our house for more family time!






i'll have to share our easter prep pictures - where the boys are dying their eggs. that was fun too!

happy rest of the week!

Learning to Knit . . .

I've been trying to teach myself to knit since yesterday afternoon. So far I can cast on to the needle and knit a few basic knit stitches, but it's frustrating because I've started and stopped and started "ALL OVER" again at least a gazillion times. I think I'm gonna have to have some one - on - one help from my brother's girlfriend. I've watched tutorials from "you tube" a handful of times, but when I attempt - it all looks like a row of KNOTS!!!

:)
Happy Monday - Spring Break for Us is Over :(

Baseball and The Boys!

Monday night Nicholas had a baseball game. It's always fun to watch; I'm equally filled with joy watching both the boys play . . . Nicholas during his game and Noah imitating every move his brother makes. I wasn't able to catch it on camera, but every time Nicholas' team returns to the dugout when they're up to bat - Noah independently walks over to the dugout to give his BoBo a hi-five. Noah also loves to sit right next to his brother after the game during the team meeting; it's heartwarming to know that Nicholas doesn't mind this at all! It really is the sweetest thing ever! And all the boys are so nice to Noah - my heart always just melts!

But I have to mention, before I post pictures that Nicholas had an awesome game. His team was down 6-0 and it was looking pretty rocky. But just into the 5th inning they started to hit base hits and finally ended the game with 10-8. Nicholas' team won! Yay! Nicholas hit a base hit all three times he was up to bat and he was even able to steal home during one play. It was so much fun to watch. And Noah was right behind the catcher yelling "Go BoBo! BoBo Go!" Really cute stuff!